Torchwood X Reno 911!
by NightsDawne
Summary: It started with a dare: Could I come up with a truly inappropriate X-over for TW and actually make it work? Well, I'll do my best. Jack and Ianto visit America's Rift spot, Reno, Nevada, and run afoul of America's most incompetent sheriff's department.


:It's not entirely my fault. I was goaded into this by my offspring and their challenge to come up with the craziest crossover I could think of to pair with Torchwood. I know, the title is hardly imaginative, but I at least hope the concept is. Torchwood and characters belong to RTD and BBC, Reno 911! and characters belong to Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon, and Kerri Kenney-Silver.:

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**Torchwood X Reno 911! (Part One: The Arrival)**

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"Ianto!" Jack looked up from the footprint hardening in the clay. "It's definitely alien. Can't have been more than an hour since it ran by here. Get a photo of this and... what is the problem?"

Ianto edged closer. "I don't want to touch anything in this town, Jack," he hissed. "Tosh was right. You can positively get hepatitis just breathing here!"

"Tosh has never been here." Jack straightened. "Give me a break. You didn't make a fuss over chasing weevils in Splott."

"Why can't the CIA deal with it? Or the FBI?" The young Welshman ran his finger under his collar. "Surely this is an X-File."

"You watch too much television, handsome." Jack slid on a pair of sunglasses. "The FBI doesn't deal with non-terrestrial life forms. Besides, this is the second most stable Rift location on the planet."

"Yes, it looks like the whole town dropped out of the Rift to be honest." Ianto adjusted his tie. "When you offered to show me America I was expecting something a little more.. normal."

"So when we're done with this I'll take you to Vegas and we can catch a Tom Jones show. Hey, we're within driving distance of the London Bridge."

Ianto made a face. "Honestly, I'm not sure how I should even comment on that. Why would I want to see the London Bridge in the middle of the desert?"

Jack tipped his head to the side. "Disneyland. I'll take you to Disneyland. Buy you Mickey Mouse ears, just please take a photo of the footprint so we can send it back to Cardiff and have Tosh run it through the database. If I'd known you were going to complain so much I'd have brought Gwen with me instead." He flashed a triumphant grin as Ianto shot him a dirty look and walked back to the car to get the camera. "So you want to hit a whorehouse while we're here?"

"I can't imagine how you could make this trip sound less exciting, Jack. Perhaps after that we can drive back past those trailers with the guys in the white sheets and ask them their feelings on gay rights so we can finish off our little holiday with a beating or two."

"Now you're getting into the spirit!" Jack glanced to the road as a patrol car drove by on the other side, then made a u-turn, coming back to pull onto the shoulder behind them. "Wonderful. Local cops."

Ianto spun around. "What do we do?"

"Nothing." Jack shrugged as he joined Ianto at the rear of the rental car. "Probably just going to ask us if we need help. So long as you don't look like some kind of nervous crack dealer and keep your cool they'll probably leave again in a minute." He eyed his boyfriend. "I'd suggest breathing and keeping your mouth shut for this one, okay?"

Ianto nodded, toying with the camera in his hand and trying to regain his calm demeanor. "So they're not likely to search us?"

"Well, if I saw you in that suit, I'd want to pat you down thoroughly, but generally they wait for probable cause. Just don't blurt out anything like 'Hello, officer, I have an unregistered stun gun, a canister of PAVA, and a Glock 34 in my waistband,' okay?"

"I think I can remember that much." Ianto took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders as the doors of the patrol car opened, displaying the crest of the Reno Sheriff's Department. From the driver's side came a tall black man with an imposing bearing, tucking his baton into his belt as he sucked his teeth, then removed his mirrored sunglasses to fix a steely squint on the pair. His partner from the passenger side was much smaller, a greying man with beady, close-set eyes and a drooping mustache. The smaller deputy adjusted his poorly tailored uniform trousers and swaggered over.

"Hello, officer," offered Jack cheerfully. "Nice day, isn't it?"

"Not bad," replied the smaller man, stopping a few feet back and bracing his thumb in his thick black weapons belt, drawing his nightstick with his other hand. "Having car trouble?"

"Nope, just getting vacation photos." Jack nodded toward the rear guard of the pair before looking back to the shorter one. "That's fine, isn't it?"

The shorter deputy looked around. "Yeah, a lot of people come out here by the sewage treatment plant for photo ops."

"Is that what that smell is?" Jack tucked his hands in his pockets. "Well, the photos won't have the smell to them, so nobody will know."

"Yeah," drawled the deputy. "What we stopped for was to let you know there's been some mysterious disappearances in this area over the past few days."

"Oh, really."

"Yup. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Jack shook his head. "We just got here today. So what kind of disappearances?"

The short man eyed Jack. "Mysterious. Thought I mentioned it." He looked over to Ianto, then stepped in front of him, tapping his nightstick into the palm of his hand. "He's awful quiet."

"His first trip to the States." Jack leaned on the trunk of the car. "Welsh exchange student."

"Welsh, huh?" The deputy raised the volume of his voice and spoke slowly. "Welcome.. to.. Nevada! I.. don't... speak.. German!"

Ianto rubbed his ear. "Good, because I don't much, either, sir."

The deputy stepped back, poking Ianto in the side with his nightstick. "Like hell, why's he talking like he's British?"

Jack blinked a few times. "Because Wales is part of the United Kingdom?"

"Yeah?" The deputy furrowed his brow. "So they annexed it from Europe?"

"Um, actually it's attached, same as it's always been." Jack shook his head. "So back to these disappearances.."

"UFO sighting, too."

Jack arched a brow in interest. "Do tell. What sort of UFO?"

"The unidentified kind," the deputy deadpanned. "You UFO people?"

"Do you mean do we come from UFOs or do we research them?" Jack grinned. "We might be researchers. You ever heard of the BBC?"

"That a wrestling federation?"

Jack scratched his hair. "Uh, no. British Broadcasting Corporation. Television in the UK."

"No way, really?" The deputy looked back to his partner. "Jones, he's gonna make a television show about our UFO!"

"I didn't exactly--" Jack was cut off by Jones making his way forward.

"Yeah? We can provide your security. We've done it before." Jones flashed a wide grin. "I sing a little, too. And I can do narration."

"That's nice, really." Jack exchanged a glance with Ianto.

"I'm Garcia. Deputy James Garcia." The smaller deputy grabbed Jack's hand and shook it. "We do a lot of celebrity protection here in Reno. I drove Kenny Rogers around when he was here."

"No kidding? Wow." Jack took a deep breath. "We're more or less just having a look around at the moment, though."

"I bet you're hungry!" Garcia grabbed Jack by the elbow, leading him toward the patrol car. "You like hot wings?"

"Um, Jack?" Ianto looked around. "Should I get that shot, then?"

"Yes, get it!" the captain yelled back. "We can hold off on lunch for a bit, really. Jet lag, you know."

Ianto smiled tightly to Jones before heading over to the spot where the footprint had been. He heard breathing by his shoulder as he lined up the shot in the viewfinder and glanced to the side. "Hello."

Jones grinned. "Hi. So you the director or something?"

"... I'm Jack's assistant, Officer.."

"Jones." The black man stuck out his hand as Ianto turned to face him. "And you are?"

"... Jones." Ianto took the hand, flinching as his fingers got mashed. "Ianto Jones."

"Nice to meet you, Lanto Jones. Hey, we might be related!"

"There's always hope, sir." Ianto stretched his fingers to make sure they worked still. "It's Ianto, actually."

Jones put his arm around the Welshman's shoulders, hauling him back toward the car. "Hey, Garcia, check out my cousin Janto Jones!"

"Ianto," he repeated. "If you don't mind, I just need to send this back home to our studio.."

Garcia let go of Jack to smack Ianto on the shoulder. "Looks just like you. They got niggers in Wales?"

Ianto blinked, uncertain he'd heard that correctly. "We're racially diverse, yes."

Jones clenched his hand, which happened to be on Ianto's shoulder still, making the younger man wince. "Don't mind Garcia. He can't help being an ignorant Mexican."

"Well, Ianto, looks like you manage to find family everywhere you go." Jack snickered.

"I cannot believe my luck," muttered Torchwood's support officer.

"So introduce me to the talent, cousin." Jones looked to Jack.

Jack smiled, setting his hands on his hips and striking his favored heroic pose. "Jack Harkness, host of Torchwood."

Jones and Garcia exchanged a look, then shook their heads.

"Never heard of it," said Jones.

"I don't get cable," explained Garcia.

"We're still hoping for an American syndicate," offered Ianto, uploading the photo onto his phone and sending it. "All done here, Jack."

"Good, then hop in your vehicle and follow us!" Garcia headed back for the patrol car, Jones following. "Lunch is on us!"

Ianto looked at Jack hopelessly. "We're not going to, are we?"

Jack shrugged, opening the driver's door. "Okay, so they do appear to be the two stupidest law enforcement officers I've ever encountered. It might be helpful to have contacts in the sheriff's department. Someone there might have a clue."

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:Scared enough to want me to continue? Let me know in a review!:


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